Last winter I knew the height of all the bridges. I slept on hard surfaces in emotional beds of regret. Last winter served me lessons I couldn’t refuse.
(walking the slick streets with my face to the wind just to feel alive)
And now I’m in January with perfect vision looking back. How I grew stronger on the tile floor. How I found a gift in the darkness.
Gratitude comes quietly to lift my head. Hums a melody I know by heart. Here I’ll stand for a little while longer considering the low bridges. How they saved me with their proximity.
How they led me to this place.
I wait, breath held, in this clumsily constructed doorway. You’d expect better of a woodworker’s daughter. You’d think I’d be skilled at right angles and plumb lines.
I ,too, thought that I’d be further along by now.
But I’m strong. You have no idea how strong I’ve become. And hopeful. I hold it in my sun spotted hands like the winged creature it is. Still learning to fly.
Part of me wants to slam this amalgamation of days behind me. Part of me wants to leave it open. Just a crack.
Just in case.
What a world.
What a scary, beautiful, disastrous, heartbreaking mess of magic.
It’s okay if all you did today was breathe (I say to myself like a salve for the bruises).
It’s okay if all you did today was breathe (I say to you like a salve for your broken heart).
On a day like today
(But not today)
I will wake up
My legs will take me
Where I want to be
My arms will hold
What needs to be held
On that day like today
(But not this day)
I will not worry
Lament or bemoan
My thoughts will blossom
And spread their seeds
My heart will open
Letting go at last
– Just Me Actually