Homeostasis

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I move a lot. Each time I find my new home, I decide to make changes. This time things will be different. This time I will start over. This time I won’t do this but I’ll always do that. The list can be quite long.

When I first arrived in Portland everything changed. I had a completely new part time job. New people to get to know and become friends with. The studio apartment was a new challenge in minimalistic living and the weather clearly would be the antithesis of what I’d been enduring in Loas. Even my clothes were different (my bags being stolen out of my car on day one).

I’ve done my best to be the employee, friend and spouse that I want to be. I want to energetic and happy. I do. Sometimes I genuinely am. But often I just want to walk in the trees alone. I want to listen to music and be inside my own head.

Most of the time I want this.

At first I went full blast in the opposite direction of my inherent introverted hermitism. I worked almost every day. I said yes to social things and tried to be the opposite of me. My husband wasn’t on his new regular schedule yet so I had no real routine for months.

I’m a routine person.

It wasn’t working.  So I’m on my way back to myself and it feels right.

There’s nothing wrong with me.

The life that makes me happy is a simple and quiet one. I love sunshine. I love my husband. Mountains and trees and rivers will always make me happiest. Some days I want to be alone and that’s fine. Some days I want to hang out with my friends but only for a few hours and that’s fine too.

There’s nothing wrong with me. Next time I move (and yes that will be this year) I will try to remember that I don’t have to make a list of ways I want to be different in my new home.

Wherever I go….I’ll always end up just me actually.

 

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10 comments

  1. You continue to impress me.
    The fact that you are so self-aware, so mindful always has impressed me. You seem to have an uncanny ability to know what to internalize and what to externalize, what to hold fast and what to release…which I envy.
    And the ways in which you have granted yourself permission to BE YOU is simply wonderous.
    These traits (as well as the depth and ‘oldness’ of your soul) are why I always feel strongly that you will continue to grow and to Thrive.

    G.

  2. We love you as you! But sometimes it’s ok to say yes. You never know when you will find the jewel. We hung out so little so long ago, but I remember that day like it was yesterday hanging out with you and Tara. (Me remembering anything is pretty amazing! Lol my memory sucks!) Miss you. I love your blog.


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